Monday, 30 January 2012
Random Monday: Surviving in Horror Scenarios
So on Saturday night we decided to start watching American Horror Story, since everyone I know was insisting it was the scariest thing ever and OMG I had to watch it. We made it through three episodes before the Amityville Horror vibes overwhelmed me and I decided to just rewatch my documentaries on that instead.
However! It did raise my usual observation that people in horror stories have never seen/read horror stories. And so I present my (not-definitive) list of handy tips, should you find yourself in an obviously haunted house of evil.
1. Don't buy the house. Yes, it's cheap, and yes, this move across country is just what your family needs due to your affair/miscarriage/addiction problems/criminal record/insert as appropriate. And yes, it is just what you always wanted in a house: a fixer-upper with weird neighbours and dubious history. But yeah, no. Don't buy the house.
2. Don't befriend the neighbours. I'm pretty against this anyway, as my neighbours keep dumping their cheap cider bottles in my bin, but really? Don't befriend the neighbours. Because either they're going to seduce one of you, kill all of you, or just hang around being creepy at you, and nobody needs that. If you must engage with them, do so from a safe distance. Don't accept any gifts from them either.
3. Don't go into the basement or attic. SOMETHING BAD IS ALWAYS IN THE BASEMENT OR ATTIC.
4. If you have moved across country to escape your ill-judged affair, don't go visiting the other man/woman, okay? I mean, this should go without saying, but in a horror scenario, especially so. Don't be a douche. You already uprooted your family because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants. Learn from your mistake.
5. For God's sake, check who you're having sex with before you actually have the sex.
6. Don't have sex. It never ends well in horror scenarios.
7. Your kid? She needs help. Even if she seems fine, she needs help. Trust me, something is going on with your kid. Something bad. Maybe you need to get rid of her?
8. Everyone you meet is either dead or responsible for someone else being dead, and soon you will be too.
I'm pretty sure there are more. I've left out the obvious stuff from 80s slasher flicks, like don't do drugs and don't go outside alone to check out the creepy noise. I didn't watch enough American Horror Story to ascertain whether Indian burial grounds are involved, but that's always something to be aware of too.
But really? Don't buy the house.